SETTING WATCH
As a child, I’m blessed to say that, as far as I remember, I was never molested. However, unfortunately, some friends and family members had heartbreaking stories that left me wishing I could turn the clock back for them to erase those events. My heart ached for them as I saw them struggle with some emotional and psychological outcomes. They were and are some brave women with so much going for them and who prayed their way through. One of them, in particular, was understandably very protective of her children, teaching them to watch out for “dirty old men.”
However, years ago, shortly after having my first baby, I sat quietly reading through one of my many parenting magazines and came across an article that was very educational. However, something that they failed to address troubled me. The author advised parents to allow their children to discover their bodies freely. It cited child development information about how children become curious about their private body parts at a certain age and that parents and guardians should not direct or intervene in any way. While I agree that developmental curiosity is normal and healthy, there is room for valuable teaching moments for those precious young children.
When I was about five years old, my ten-month younger sister and I played with another child who was also around our age, who asked me if I wanted to play a game. I immediately said no because I wanted to continue to play what we were playing. Apparently, my free-spirited sister had been introduced to that game before me, so she joined the other child, trying to convince me. I had an immediate flashback of a time not long before as I played with some other children swinging on a swing set. However, my sister didn’t want to swing on the swing set. Instead, she wanted me to make mudpies with her. I didn’t want to because I was having so much fun with the “who can swing the highest” competition in which the other children and I were engaged, so I invited my sister to join us. Utterly frustrated, my sister yelled, “I’m telling you won’t play with me!” I replied, “Yes, I will, come and swing with us.” She jumped up and ran to our mom and told her that I would not play with her, only the other children and that she didn’t want to play with the other children. As I tried to explain to my mom that I had tried to get my sister to join me, I was slapped in my face before I could get my full sentence out. My mother yelled about how wrong I was and sent the other children home. I was stunned and devastated.
That event caused me to be terrified to say no to my younger sister, especially if we were playing with other children. Needless to say, I was struck with fear, so I agreed to play the game. It basically was that developmental curiosity that went beyond the child’s own body. I felt so confused and wanted to know why. Because I was a child who would tell on myself if I had done something wrong because I couldn’t handle the guilt, I told the adults present about the game because I needed to know if it was wrong. The other child got a spanking, but no one ever explained anything to us, so I wondered if it was a similar scenario as the slap I got for playing with those children.
About a year later, we moved and came across another child who wanted to play that same game. Again, my sister and that child insisted it was just a fun game. And again, afraid to say no, I thought something must have been wrong with me because, apparently, it was just a normal game. With that, I ignored the confusion I felt because I thought something was wrong with me, that is until I was about ten years old. I couldn’t ignore the confusion and uncomfortable feeling any longer, though I still didn’t know about sex (those were different times, and we were not told such things at an early age, and my mom was very protective).
At ten, I found a type of romance novel at someone’s house and read a paragraph where a male’s private part was mentioned; still utterly confused and clueless about sex, I didn’t understand what the lady was talking about. Later, one of those children tried to get me to play that game again; however, I became angry and refused from that day forth. It was a couple of years later that sex was explained to me after I had started my menstrual cycle.
Those memories flooded my mind as I read that article in that parenting magazine. I decided that I wanted my children to understand that their bodies are theirs alone and that their private parts are called private for a reason. I made sure my four children knew at a very young age that adults nor children were to touch them in any way that made them feel uncomfortable or confused. I ensured they understood the difference between acceptable and unacceptable touch and acceptable and unacceptable places of touch. I informed them to let me know immediately if anyone ever touched them in a way that felt confusing or uncomfortable to them. Despite my best efforts to monitor their interactions with other children, some of my children ended up telling me of a couple of uncomfortable situations. Thankfully, they knew what to do, and they knew to tell me about them.
My advice is this, save your children the confusion and guide them through their curiosity and developmental self-discovery. In other words, set a watch over your children’s spirits, souls, and bodies as best you can.
By the way, after I became an adult, my mother and I talked through many things about my childhood. I also received therapy, which was a freeing experience. I’m happy and thankful to say that she apologized and that my relationship with my mother was in good standing before she passed.
Comments